Recurring Theme: U 2 CAN RITE ROMANCE

Perhaps you remember my post about this wonderful website brought to my attention by the Smart Bitches.  That post was well intentioned, if completely clueless.  Now the Smart Bitches have highlighted an equally craptastic post of  a bit more sinister bent.  I present to you “Got The Thing In Becoming A World-renowned Writer?”  (Got to love a writing post that uses such twisted syntax in a title in a non-satiric manner.)

[My Snark in Green]

Sometimes, when you get so spellbounded [Spellbounded?  Isn’t that the new Anita Blake novel?] with love stories, you can just picture out if you’re one of the characters [“Picture out”? Why do I think babelfish was involved here somewhere?] or better yet, you are the author himself, right? [Finially, someone talking to all the men trying to break into the field.] Have you ever thought of the opportunity that you can become one, writing a romance novel for everyone to read and to enjoy? For now, you may never know that you have that the “thing” [Read that again, slowly.  That phrase is almost poetic in its complete incoherence. “You have that the thing” is near the level of “All your base are belong to us,” in the way it almost makes sense, then swerves away at the last moment.] but how can you determine if you have the “thing” if you don’t try it out [I want to try out my “thing”] and what’s more, you may need the BIG MONEY that you will earn from writing these love stories. [Wow, ever seen a first novel advance?] Come on, everybody likes romance novels. [Except for the people who don’t.] People were born because of love, they fall in love and then, they fall out of love only to find out in the end that they are truly miserable romantics, [Well I know I want to read these stories about truly misrable romantics.] just like you, Romeo…or Juliet. [Romeo and Juliet, and we know how well that went.] Whether you want to be a romance novel author or not, it pays to know some of the facts regarding romance novels and the tips that authors need to create a sizzling and red-hot story. [Uh, why exactly would this alleged information be useful if you don’t want to be a romance author?]

Just, well, wow. The above quote is only a taste of the borderline-Engrish experience of this blog post.  Here are a few more choice lines:

• You write what you read and that means you need to read a love of romance stories to get some ideas from experts before you and that’s it in the nutshell.
• Writing doesn’t have to be work, it should be fun and you should enjoy your time freedom with it.
• In conclusion, and the fact of the matter, you will make a lot of people happy with your romance novels and you motivate other people to do things for other people unconditionally and you get to let them play with their imagination and of course, financially speaking, you should get ready to take your career up on the next level when you become a best-selling romance novel author. [Yes, that’s one sentence.]

So we have the Star City of writing advice blog posts, why is it I say there’s a sinister cast to this?  Because embedded in this trainwreck of a blog post are repeated links to the same site, which elevates this blog post from simply giving laughable advice to selling laughable advice.  That crosses the line from amusing to predatory.   But what, you ask, is being sold.  For an answer, let us look at some content from romancewritingsecrets.com:

Remember that there must be a plot to the romance story.  […]  Once you learn how to plot a romance novel you should be able to comfortably write more romance novels.

Glad they made that clear.

Gothic romance is a type of romance novel that involves the supernatural and mystery. The characteristics of a gothic romance novel are numerous. Often the novel has a dark setting – many times they are set in medieval ruins or in castles. […] The gothic romance was originally very popular in the late 18th and early 19th centuries and is enjoying a resurgence in popularity today.

Good they’re keeping up with current trends.

One of the hottest genres today is the Christian romance novel. The Christian romance novel is similar to a typical romance novel with some very big distinctions. […] The Christian romance novel uses many references to Christianity and spirituality.

One can never be too clear with one’s definitions.

On the site you can also sign up for a free e-course that, if it contains more pearls of wisdom like this, must be worth every penny.

But, of course, the money shot (so to speak) is the page where they’re pushing the e-book.

Warning: Do NOT Buy Any Book or eBook
On Romance Writing Unless It Meets the Following Criteria:
[where have I heard that before?]

One: Reveals the method behind successful romance novels! [Isn’t that the point of a how-to writing guide?]
Two: Tells you step-by-step how to get your romance manuscript published as quickly and easily as possible! [Anyone else get a self-publishing vibe here?]
Three: Explains how to create a compelling and heartfelt story filled with memorable characters! [Isn’t that reiterating the first point?]
Four: Tells you how to overcome the common obstacles romance writers face in getting their work published! [Ah the inevitable conspiracy against new authors. It can’t be as simple as, say, writing a book that’s publishable. (BTW, not to say simple is the same thing as easy.)]

The whole hard sell ends on what Mr. T would call an absoludicrous note:

Let’s be blunt: If you pass on this offer, will you be a successful romance writer any time soon? The statistics say probably not. [Note that this doesn’t say anything about what the statistics say about people who don’t pass on this offer.] Get this book NOW and get the advice and information you need to begin realizing your writing dreams! [I love how ALL CAPS just screams professional writer.]

The author of this how-to guide must be a successful romance writer, of course. Right? Even though the name Jennifer Davis is hidden all the way down on the bottom of the page. Even though not a single novel credit is given, or a link to Amazon, or a publisher, or even an author website. I mean, someone wouldn’t be trying to sell a self-published e-book about how to be a best-selling romance author if they weren’t a best selling romance author. Right? Right? Bueller? Bueller?